The HanSarang Movement

Homefront: The Face of Xenophobia

2010-09-07T02:59:00.000-07:00

Several days ago, I got an audition for an internet ad campaign called "The Journey" where they needed Korean men. At first, I was extremely excited and also because the gig paid $300 a day. But then when I looked closer, I realized that the internet ad campaign was for the upcoming video game Homefront.

Homefront, we meet again. The last time I saw you, I was a North Korean marching soldier for the 2010 e3 convention promoting you several months ago. For those of you who don't know, the story of Homefront takes place in the near future, in a world where N. Korea takes over South Korea then all of Asia, and then proceeds to invade America. It's basically the premise of the "Red Dawn" remake that's coming out next year but loftier (and written by the original Red Dawn scribe John Milius).

Even before its release, this internet ad campaign and the game itself will bring incredibly troubling depictions of East Asians, especially Koreans for the mainstream video gamer consumption. Down below is an audition slide for the Captain role I was called for. The second side after that is another side I found that gives you a good idea what kind of game "Homefront" is:

This surburbia has gone to rot with overgrown lawns, garbage
and decay. A large army truck is in the background and a
ragtag group of AMERICANS are getting on it, carrying ratty
suitcases. KOREAN SOLDIERS oversee the operation.
Its evident that the camera is hidden and recording from an
unseen vantage point.

The camera shifts and zooms in as two KOREAN SOLDIERS are
pulling a dirty HOMEOWNER out of his broken down house.

HOMEOWNER
I’m staying! This is my house. I
paid for it! Get your fucking hands
off me.

The soldiers pull the man into the street and then hold him
as a KOREAN CAPTAIN runs up to the altercation.

CAPTAIN (IN KOREAN)

What is the problem, soldier?

KOREAN SOLDIER 1 (IN KOREAN)
He refuses to leave his home.

CAPTAIN (IN ENGLISH)

American comrade, you are being
relocated to a better place where
you will have food and shelter.

HOMEOWNER
Fuck you, I ain’t no comrade! This
is my home. This is America. I can
live where I want!

The homeowner spits on the Captain and struggles against the
soldiers holding him.

The Captain wipes the spit from his face, calmly pulls a
pistol from his belt and shoots the American in the head.
The soldiers walk back to the truck as the body bleeds out.

---- Here's the other side -----

The Korean hostage sits against a concrete wall between two
masked American resistance members. He wears a Korean army
uniform that is dirty and torn and has bruises on his face.
His left arm lies broken in a dirty sling. When he speaks he
is emotionless, almost as if he’s reading from a script.

KOREAN HOSTAGE
My name is Lee Yang and I am a
solider of the Democratic People’s
Republic of Korea. My blood type
is A+. I was captured five days
ago by brave American freedom
fighters.

RESISTANCE FIGHTER
What was your personal mission?

KOREAN HOSTAGE
I was sent to Montana to make sure
that the Americans who lived here
did as they were told. It was also
my personal duty to help oversee
and supervise the loading of train
cars filled with minerals for
shipment to San Diego.

RESISTANCE FIGHTER
What do you think now?

KOREAN HOSTAGE
I know what Korea is doing is
wrong. I understand that I was a
bad person, a bad soldier. I wish
nothing more now than to help the
Americans by telling them
everything I know about army
movements and what we are doing in
the area. Long live America.

RESISTANCE FIGHTER (TO CAMERA)
America is fighting back. This
will be the fate of any Koreans who
try to stop us. We will take as
many hostages as we can. Save
yourself. Get out of our country. Long Live America!

I looked at the sides over and over again and then politely turn the audition down. Here's the thing. The Captain role pays $300 per day and in this economy, money is no joke. At this point in my life, I know I'm not a starving artist because I have a job that helps with paying the rent and food so I have the luxury of turning this role down. I know that where I am in how I see myself, I choose how I want to be seen and if it means turning down a role that makes me feel sick to my stomach, I will uphold that integrity. I am aware of that fortune that I have, a fortune that cannot be shared with many actors here in Los Angeles. There will be Korean actors, East Asian actors, who will take these roles even if they know they will be the face of xenophobia simply because they want to have a paycheck and to be able to eat and pay for their electricity bill. I cannot judge them for that because in this cut-throat business, you do what you got to do in order to stay alive and move ahead.

But in my personal opinion, to be in this internet ad campaign is like having a huge banner sign over your head saying that All Koreans and Asians are not to be trusted and that in the end, you are a dangerous foreign yellow menace. From these audition sides and intention of this game, I am reminded of WWII propaganda where the American government posted flyers of Japanese people as inscrutable dangerous beings and in turn was one of the major reasons why over 120,000 Japanese Americans were sent to internment camps.

And that's what this game reeks of. Propaganda to promote American superiority when confronted with fear and paranoia of the Asian foreign menace (whether it be North Korea or Muslims). People may brush this aside and say that I'm being too negative and pessimistic over a game. Relax, they say, it's just a video game. But in this day and age, you cannot underestimate the influence of video games and, more importantly, the power of human stupidity. Media depictions of minorities, especially violent ones, often paved way to hate crimes as people are unable to differentiate between fiction and reality. If the media says so, then it must be true.

In the end, the choice is yours. You do what you believe is right and nobody, let alone a kid blogging about protesting over an internet ad campaign for a video game, can stop you.

But ask yourself:

Is it worth it to be the face of xenophobia?

Love & Progress in the City of Angels

2010-06-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

As soon as my fingers landed on this keyboard writing on this entry for my beloved HanSarang Movement, I forgot what it was like to write for myself and talk about anything that I want in this space right here.

Ahhh..It feels like home.

It is now June 25th, 2010, making it four months and twenty four days that I've been here in Los Angeles. It's only been about a third of a year but already it feels like I've been here for a lifetime. Since I landed, every single day has been filled with auditions, callbacks, a few landed gigs, taking a wonderful acting class at Beverly Hills Playhouse, networking with the Asian American community here in the city and meeting some truly wonderful, beautiful people along the way, getting my car window smashed in and broken into, working as an enumerator at the U.S. Census Bureau, hot mess fights with my very emotionally moody roommate who has an Asian men fetish, writing for an Asian American online publication, and so many more adventures and misadventures that I rather end this incredibly long sentence right now than drag it on any further.

All of this in my pursuit to become an actor and social justice activist.

It's been particularly rough taking my chance to be an actor and I can only say that I am extremely blessed to have supporting friends back in Virginia, South Korea, Los Angeles, and from all over who is cheering me on. But most importantly, I am blessed to have an understanding mother and father who supports me emotionally and financially. I've always had a reluctant relationship with them in the past but for them to be so supportive of what I am doing now by myself here in Los Angeles, it means the world to me.

I am not represented by any agency nor do I have a pile of gigs coming up. Then again, this is a story that can be shared with countless, hard-working actors out there right now. The journey to accomplish this has never been an easy journey in the first place and ties directly to the reason why life has never been boring here.

Yet despite the hardships and obstacles, I feel good because I know I have love and support from so many. I feel good because I know my other passion as a social justice activist keeps me strong and no matter what happens, I will do my utmost best to make the best for myself. I feel good because I have a wonderful acting class at Beverly Hills Playhouse with an astounding teacher who I am learning so much from.

So let's take the last sentence off and carry on that thought.

Beverly Hills Playhouse is this acting class that lots of known actors in the past have been taught under in the past and was created by Milton Kaselas. Okay, history lesson done.

During my two months in this class, I have met truly dedicated actors and performers who put their absolute best in their scenes, even with all the baggage and drama they got going on in their lives. I have met a fabulous acting teacher by the name of Art Cohan who told me to look beyond my Asian skin and find characters and roles that I relate to internally, because that's what matters the most. If there's anything I can boil down for this class, it's that it's filled with love and with all this love, it has inspired me to be the best goddamn actor I can be. It has also inspired me to be the best goddamn human being I can be as well. That's how great this class is.

I am most fortunate to have met such people here in the City of Angels and elsewhere, with particular shout outs to Lac Su, Kate Agathon,Emily Wu, Steve Nguyen, Sabina England, Kristina Wong, Beau Sia, and so many more.

Love. That's what it's all about. That's what keeps me going and I just know that I gotta do my best and pay it forward.

Welcome Back

2010-06-11T01:54:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly two months since I wrote my last entry and it's been too long. After writing furiously for 8Asians, Projekt Newspeak, and now with my 3rd responsibility as an APEX blogger, I realize that I need to return back to the HanSarang Movement, the place that got me started.

It's good to be back home.

A Better World?

2010-04-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing I first learned about being an activist is that there is no glorious finish line to cross, there is no final war or enemy to vanquish... there is no happy ending.

There will always be cruelty, ignorance, prejudice, hatred, and violence in this world, and the purpose of the activist is to constantly be updated about such events. They must know such things so that they can speak out about it, to fight against it, and to let it be known so that action can be taken.

It is equally burdening for activists when people from their own community will attack them for their efforts and declare that they are only a problem, not the solution. While it can be noble and courageous to be outspoken, it only makes the activist a more vulnerable target for others to spit on and mock.

The life of an activist is a lonely one and it's so tempting to just forget about it all, to just fuck the people you're trying to help since they don't give a shit anyways, and enjoy a life of ignorance and bliss and eat Cinnabons all day.

I guess I'm being bit of a Debbie Downer, huh? I might as well the full story but as you read this, please keep in mind that I mean no disrespect to the individual who I am talking about and that despite whatever happened, I will always respect him, his work, and his passion to help out the APA community.

Two days ago, I see a Facebook post put out by spoken poet Alvin Lau where he links a Yellow Rage video and comments on how their works hurts the APA movement with their "mono-faceted militancy". This was the video that he was talking about:

(For those who don't know, Yellow Rage is a spoken poet group composed of two Asian pacific American women, Michelle Myers and Catzie Villayphonh, and Alvin Lau is another APA spoken poet who I've come to respect and admire over the years. They and many others, including Beau Sia and Bao Phi, are the reasons why I became interested in spoken poetry in the first place.)

I commented on his Facebook wall that there are forms of activism and expression that are based on anger and rage, and while I could see his point that they may a bit too strong in how they deliver their messages, Yellow Rage has empowered many Asian (and non-Asian) women to speak up and not give a damn. Other people chimes in, mostly non-Asians, and they agree with Alvin on how Yellow Rage makes them want to turn off the computer and that what they say is not effective in any manner. I respond in a manner that I could see their argument but once again, going back to my foundation that what Yellow Rage says may not appeal to everybody, but it has empowered a lot of people that they cannot be disregarded for how they express themselves.

Alvin then suggests I ask my non-Asian friends in what is considered effective activism and told to look at the many non-Asian friends who are in agreement with him. I asked him if that meant that we need to listen solely to what non-Asians should tell us to do and he then told me that I missed the point entirely. I wasn't sure even if he even got my point and from there, he re-iterated his firm belief that activists need to consider how effective their message is and who it reaches out to.

I can agree with him on that part to a good degree. Yet we saw different on how this particular poem meant and at some point, I joked that he was a very harsh judge.

He immediately took offense to that and told me he did not appreciate my condescending tone and I replied that I didn't mean to be condescending but rather stating we have different opinions on this matter. I did hold my ground with my statement that he was very harsh on what he determined to be proper forms of activism and poetry but that from one artist to another, I respected his critical point of view because we need people like that to keep us straight. I stated that I loved his "Asia America, Where are you?" poem and his viewpoints are valid but it's something that we just agree to disagree.

The following day, Alvin Lau blocks me. Which left me pretty confused and a bit stunned. It's disheartening to get into such an argument with a person you admire, only to get to a point where you piss the person off and wondering if you were wrong in what you said and believe.

I can't help but ask myself: Is Alvin right in that some forms of expression are more EFFECTIVE than others and therefore the less effective voices should hold no ground?

A friend told me that all forms of APA voices are valid and that we need to support each other and not squabble amongst ourselves.

I still hold my ground in supporting Yellow Rage not because I personally know them or that they're Asian, but because they are legit forms of expression that I relate to. Yet I guess being a sensitive guy, I'm saddened by how our interaction went and as a result, it brings us to my main point:

The life of an activist isn't an easy one. But above all else, I must learn to trust my own instincts and know that my fight to create a better world will be riddled with obstacles, and that the path will be long and winded.

The Future of Ethnic Studies

2010-03-28T22:38:00.000-07:00

The field of ethnic studies have grown tremendously during the past 40 years, ever since it first came into existence during the 1960's. Despite the many arguments for and against ethnic studies, it has opened up the horizons of what it means to be an American, to be a person of color...to be a human being living in a world that is constantly changing around us.

A friend brought up his opinion where the name "Ethnic Studies" is a bit silly. As soon as he said that, it triggered a feeling that I had for a long time and that is that I feel the exact same way. Sure it may be an easy way to describe the many fields dedicated to various ethnicities but the name that brings their common element altogether, in my frank opinion, sounds a bit exotic and outdated.

I say this because we are in a time where we have a black President and by 2050, everybody will be a minority in the United States. When this time comes, do we still keep the name of "Ethnic Studies"? "Minority Studies" won't really work either when 2050 comes since we will all be minorities. What happens when we are living in a world where everybody is of mixed heritage and it goes beyond having ties with just one or two or three ethnicities? How about eight? There is a saying that when that time comes, we have no choice but to just call ourselves "humans".

I think I would like that future...

Freedom to Express Racial Identity & Mental Health Issues

2010-03-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

Some parts of this post have been recycled from the entry: "YouTube/Google Restricts Racial Identity Expressions" but new material have been added as well as a new perspective to where I am right now. My personal crusade against YouTube is over because after much consideration, I realize I don't need to waste my time on it. Unlike organizations with the weight of thousands of members, I am just an individual with a little poem and with just that as my luggage, I have the freedom to tell my story to whoever will listen. So with that said, here is the revision and conclusion of "YouTube/Google Restricts Racial Identity Expressions".

The First Amendment is a right that we as Americans hold dearly with pride. But at the same time, this right comes with its own limitations and hypocrisies. You can't falsely yell "FIRE" in a public facility nor can you publicly declare that you want to assassinate the President. These things will immediately get you in serious trouble. However, the KKK can rally in a neighborhood even if nobody wants them there, and anti-abortionists can wave around bloody fetus dolls. While these voices are frowned upon, nevertheless, they have the right to express what they need to say. Yet there have been times when highly controversial opinions have been silenced because they dared to say something different, especially when it comes to matters that make people uncomfortable.

Two weeks ago, I uploaded a spoken word piece on YouTube that pertained to my former self-hatred as a Korean-American, my unfathomable connection with the VA tech shooter, Seung-Hui Cho, and as a result, me finding love and acceptance with my racial identity. The poem was titled: "To Seung-Hui Cho". The poem was not about condoning or glorifying Seung-Hui but rather how his life and mental health issues inexplicably found a connection with my own troubled youth. I put a warning in the description box that the poem would be very controversial and that it required the viewers to listen with an open mind and heart. This is the poem in its written form:

To Seung-Hui Cho

By Edward Hong

To society, he was a lunatic and a monster.

To his parents, he was their only boy.

To me, he was my brother,

The brother I never had.

Self-hatred defined my Korean identity.

Because if we are to suffer

The uncontrollable rages of our fathers,

The hesitant silences of our mothers,

The sounds of chink and gook by strangers,

Then I do not want to be Korean,

I do not want to be Asian,

I do not want this yellow skin,

I do not want this yellow sin.

Because of this self-hatred,

Hatred that made me hate the world,

I could not help but feel connected with Seung-Hui.

If he is indeed a monster,

Then am I a monster as well?

As I delved deeper into his life

And saw how his intertwined with mine,

As my world grew darker and overshadowed with his,

Am I any different from my silent brother?

So I had to look deeper within myself

And there, I found something so simple within myself:

I have too much love to be driven to such despair.

I must learn to love myself and live out my life,

So I can give my love to the people around me.

I have a choice in how I want my story to be told.

I can be ashamed of my ugly past,

And inflict it on the world

Or I can accept it and let it be told,

Let something ugly be turned

Into something beautiful.

Now, I am proud of my Korean heritage,

The heritage that I once despised.

Proud enough that labels and stereotypes,

They cannot define who I am,

And who I want to be.

On March 14th, YouTube sent me an email that my video violated their community guidelines and without warning, the video was removed. Someone in the YouTube community saw the video, didn't like it, and then flagged it. From there, a flagged video is reviewed by the YouTube staff and in the case the video violates their community guidelines, they remove the video. I was not surprised that my video got flagged but I WAS surprised to see my video removed. Which means it's pretty clear what YouTube's stance is.

I strongly believe that I did nothing wrong and only expressed how I found appreciation and love for myself and my Korean identity in the unlikeliest of places. The poem was about me finding salvation from realizing the tangent connection between Cho and I and because of that, I was in despair. I was in despair because I could somehow relate with the VA tech shooter but from that despair, I was able to not blame my ugly past but to accept it and use it for good. I understand that the victims and family members of the students who lost their lives on that day would not want to hear anybody performing a poem about the man who committed this heinous act. If I was in their shoes, I wouldn't want to hear a silly kid talk about Seung-Hui Cho in that manner either. For that silly kid to actually thank Cho for anything would be absolutely outrageous and I completely understand that. I do not blame their anger at all.

But my only intention was to show that normal, ordinary people can find connections with what society calls monsters, psychopaths, and lunatics, because in the end, these "monsters" are just people whose paths have gone differently in a darker and hopeless direction. If I did not have the people who take their time out of their busy schedules to support and love me, God only knows what I would've become. More importantly, with this poem, I wanted to show that there are so many troubled Asian/Asian American kids out there, people who have serious mental health issues and are not even regarded seriously from society because they are the model minority folks or their own families because they must not be spoken. That was my message I wanted to spread and apparently YouTube didn't get the hint. When I researched YouTube's guidelines when it came to freedom of speech, this is what they had to say:

We encourage free speech and defend everyone's right to express unpopular points of view. But we don't permit hate speech (speech which attacks or demeans a group based on race or ethnic origin, religion, disability, gender, age, veteran status, and sexual orientation/gender identity)

It is unfair that I did not even get a warning before they took down the video nor did they specifically explain to me what they found to be considered dangerous and offensive in the video. It is made even more difficult that there is not a direct customer service contact that I can reach to. I am wondering whether or not discussions on racial identity and mental health issues, especially the dark and uncomfortable aspects, are even tolerated on YouTube.

Yet I know that one Internet website cannot stop what I want to share to the world because I do not want another VA Tech shooting to happen. I'm not talking about stopping it by just imposing gun controls, but rather what goes on in the hearts and minds of the angry, confused students and folks who have lost hope. If I could, I wanted to talk to Cho before April 16th, 2007, and tell him that he is not alone in feeling for what he feels. That together, instead of using the rage and anger to destroy, I wish I could've channeled his emotions to make something beautiful out of it. I can't because he made his decision and it cost him his life and 32 others.

But I still have mine.

Ever since that day on 2007, it has become a crusade of mine to let my words be known so that other folks, whether Asian, Black, Chicano, or Caucasian, who feel the same destructive rage and hatred that I once did, would know that they are not monsters for feeling what they feel.

I'm only 22 an yet I know with every fiber in my body that this is my life and the contribution I want to make to this world.

Asian Activism Banned By Major Corporations

2010-03-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

On March 14th, 2010, YouTube/Google banned my spoken poetry piece "To Seung-Hui Cho" because it violated their guidelines for inciting violence and hate speech. I will not be quiet, I will stand up and fight.

But today, another major corporation shuts down another Asian American voice. I got word from a fellow activist that Facebook shut down a facebook group called: People Against Racebending: Protest of the Cast of The Last Airbender Movie. The group has been around since the early days of the protest against the whitewashed casting of M. Night Shymalan's live action adaptation of the "The Last Airbender" and as of last week had almost 6,000 members. The original cartoon show featured Asian and Inuit characters, heroes portrayed by people of color and as such, the show was celebrated for its inclusive diversity. This group was formed because in the movie version, the ethnicities of its Asian and Inuit characters are erased and put to the background while Paramount cast white actors to play lead characters of color. Racebending is calling out to all of its members to boycott the movie when it comes out. They have had an impressive following and stood firm despite many oppositions. On March 15th, 2010, Facebook sent the owners of the group this message:

The group “People Against Racebending: Protest of the Cast of The Last Airbender Movie” has been removed because it violated our Terms of Use. Among other things, groups that are hateful, threatening, or obscene are not allowed. We also take down groups that attack an individual or group, or advertise a product or service. Continued misuse of Facebook’s features could result in your account being disabled.

The Racebending staff has issued a statement Facebook to ask what the facebook group exactly violated. While Facebook does respond to its users every now and then, YouTube/Google has not been kind enough to put a customer service contact and their phone number points people to useless information that they do not need. My battle with YouTube will continue but I cannot expect them to put up my original video back...only my response titled "YouTube/Google Restricts Racial Identity Expressions" will hold. The people can only wait if Facebook will ever respond and explain why the group was removed.

Action will be taken and this incident will go public if two things happen: if there is no response in seven days or if Facebook does declare that the Racebending group is indeed offensive and deserves to be taken down while groups that dedicate itself to assassinating Obama are still up.

I am already doing that for YouTube/Google because they don't care about their users at all (I can only say this because there is NO way to actually contact YouTube when it comes to customer service). I hope the same can't be said for Facebook.

"Know Your Enemy" by Rage Against the Machine is my mood right now. Fight the power, fight the system that dares to silence us.

YouTube/Google Restricts Racial Identity Expressions

2010-03-15T01:01:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, I uploaded a spoken word piece on YouTube that pertained to finding love within myself and my racial identity, self-hatred as a Korean-American, and my unfathomable connection with the VA tech shooter, Seung-Hui Cho. The poem was titled: "To Seung-Hui Cho". The poem was not about condoning or glorifying Seung-Hui but rather how his life and mental health issues found a connection with my own troubled young life. The poem also touched upon mental health issues within Asian Americans, issues that are often ignored by society and their own families. I even put a warning in the description box that the poem would be very controversial and that I could only hope that people would read this with an open mind and heart. This is the poem in written form:

To Seung-Hui Cho

By Edward Hong

To society, he was a lunatic and a monster.

To his parents, he was their only boy.

To me, he was my brother,

The brother I never had.

Self-hatred defined my Korean identity.

Because if we are to suffer

The uncontrollable rages of our fathers,

The hesitant silences of our mothers,

The sounds of chink and gook by strangers,

Then I do not want to be Korean,

I do not want to be Asian,

I do not want this yellow skin,

I do not want this yellow sin.

Because of this self-hatred,

Hatred that made me hate the world,

I could not help but feel connected with Seung-Hui.

If he is indeed a monster,

Then am I a monster as well?

As I delved deeper into his life

And saw how his intertwined with mine,

As my world grew darker and overshadowed with his,

Am I any different from my silent brother?

So I had to look deeper within myself

And there, I found something so simple within myself:

I have too much love to be driven to such despair.

I must learn to love myself and live out my life,

So I can give my love to the people around me.

I have a choice in how I want my story to be told.

I can be ashamed of my ugly past,

And inflict it on the world

Or I can accept it and let it be told,

Let something ugly be turned

Into something beautiful.

Now, I am proud of my Korean heritage,

The heritage that I once despised.

Proud enough that labels and stereotypes,

They cannot define who I am,

And who I want to be.

Thank you for helping me find love in myself.

Thank you Seung-Hui,

My silent brother.

After two weeks in, YouTube sends me this email:

YouTube | Broadcast Yourself™

Regarding your account: eddlyhong
The following video(s) from your account have been disabled for violation of the YouTube Community Guidelines:

To Seung Hui Cho (Spoken Word) - (eddlyhong)

Your account has received one Community Guidelines warning strike, which will expire in six months. Additional violations may result in the temporary disabling of your ability to post content to YouTube and/or the termination of your account.
Sincerely,

The YouTube Team

Someone in the YouTube community saw the video, didn't like it, and then flagged it. From there, a flagged video is reviewed by the YouTube staff and in the case the video violates their community guidelines, they remove the video. I was not surprised that my video got flagged but I WAS surprised to see my video removed. Which means it's pretty clear what YouTube's stance is.

I strongly believe that I did nothing wrong and only expressed how I found appreciation and love for myself and my Korean identity. The poem was simply expressing that I found salvation from the unlikeliest of places and because of that, I was in despair because I could somehow relate with the VA tech shooter. I do understand that the victims and family members of the students who lost their lives on that day would not want to hear anybody performing a poem about the man who commit all these heinous acts I was taken aback that one's personal and honest expression about combining the touchy topics of racial identity, mental health issues, and the VA Tech shooting (all explosive on their own) is considered dangerous and harmful to the YouTube community. YouTube says this about freedom of speech:

We encourage free speech and defend everyone's right to express unpopular points of view. But we don't permit hate speech (speech which attacks or demeans a group based on race or ethnic origin, religion, disability, gender, age, veteran status, and sexual orientation/gender identity). - YouTube community guidelines

Considering that I didn't even get a warning before they took down the video, I am wondering whether or not discussions on racial identity, especially the dark and uncomfortable aspects, are even tolerated on YouTube. In this day and age, we respect freedom of speech but why is it that YouTube can't do the same thing?

The Root of Passionate Activism

2010-03-13T21:35:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: Someone in the YouTube community flagged my video for the spoken word piece, "To Seung-Hui Cho" and YouTube has been kind enough to remove the video. To this, I will put up another video but this time you will actually see my face when I perform it. And because people are so quick to judge, I will put a foreword so that I can explain myself to the stupid and judging people out there in the world.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Finding direction and passion about something in this world is a dilemma that troubles many people around the world and more often than not, people wander aimlessly in frustration and resignation. For me, I found my passion in activism and what it took to get me on this path has made me recently wonder if this applies to others who are passionate activists as well.

I know that I became a passionate activist to fight social injustice because I felt the strong need that the world can become a better place. But where did all of this desire come from? For me, I look back on my childhood and I know that I've had severe rough patches throughout my young life. Rough patches that was riddled with self-hatred, rage and hatred towards my family and ethnicity, suicidal attempts, and a complete sense of loneliness and isolation that encapsulated me. Through a sheer case of coincidence or miracle, I have met people who have helped me to find beauty within my ugly self and make something out of it. Because of that, I am a passionate activist in order to pay it forward. I want to keep learning and appreciating what makes us people so beautiful and terrible and I want to help troubled youth so that they can find a direction in where they will have passion in partaking.

Do all passionate activists also share this same route in life? Where they underwent great hardship/tragedy/suffering to come out on top and utilize all the hurt and pain they went through to make sure nobody else will have to go through the same thing?

I know for sure that this is the case for me. I know that ever since the VA Tech shooting, my life was changed forever because I somehow felt a connection with Seung-Hui Cho. When his life and mental health issues were revealed to the public, it made me wonder because I had a fair share of mental health issues of my own that resulted in years of anger management classes and clinical therapy to attempt to subdue the immeasurable amount of rage I carried within me. It was only until sophomore year of college that a few wonderful people in my life listened to what I need to say...what I needed to express that I felt would cause others to see me as insane.

I have a feeling that I am alone in this. Not many people know about the mental health issues Asian Pacific Americans go through and one of the main reasons why is that it never gets brought up because we are seen as the model minority folks. When we do express there is something wrong with us, our families and society turn a blind eye and tell us that it's nothing significant and worse, that we need to hush up because it should not be spoken.

During my involvement with the College of William & Mary's Muslim Student Association, the student group created a t-shirt that said "This is what a Jihadist looks like" on the front and on the back, the Arabic term for 'peace' was written in the shape of a dove with "I struggle for ______" at the back. To everybody who got the t-shirt, they had the choice of filling the blank in for what they struggle for. For me, I struggle for honesty above all things because I believe we live in a world where honesty and truth is not encouraged and all too often it is shunned because we fear what the truth may contain. We want to live in a worry-free, fast-paced fashion and whenever there is a remote possibility that there may be something wrong within us, we look for the fastest remedy possible without really searching for the root of the trouble.

I am not afraid to say what needs to be said. I am not afraid about my darkest moments of my life because I believe that true strength comes from the ability to be honest about your weaknesses and flaws. So with that said, I present to you a spoken word piece about a certain boy who allowed me to find love within myself.

Superheroes within the APA community

2010-03-03T21:09:00.000-08:00

Ever since I totaled my car three days ago, I've been mostly confined to my local area in Los Angeles and passing my time by playing the guitar, working out, reading, calling multiple casting directors that I apologize for missing their auditions (missing a particular one broke my heart so I let the director know he could use me as a crew hand or extra), and...re-watching the entire Justice League cartoon series.

Nerd alert?? Okay yeah, I'm gulity as charged. While I'm not an avid comic book reader, I cannot lie...I am a huge fan of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, GI Joes, Transformers, Spiderman, X-Men, the Hulk, and so on and so on. I love what they represent and how they vanquish evil and I especially love how modern renditions of these characters make them complex and flawed characters, just like normal human beings.

But as much as I love these superheroes, I wish there were more superheroes who looked like me but not done in a way where they represent the insidious yellow peril but as fully fleshed out Asian/Asian-American heroes. What I did not know in my yearning for more superheroes that looked like me were that there are real-life Asian American superheroes who work behind the scenes to bring these classic heroes and villains to life as well as creating new superheroes who are of Asian descent.

Larry Hama. Bernard Chang. Greg Pak. Jerry Ma. Keith Chow. These are only few of many amazing Asian American comic book writers and illustrators who have crafted many of the heroes the American public has come to love and know. For this post though, I want to focus on Larry Hama and his legacy as a comic book writer and illustrator for the past 40 years.

If there is one particular American pop culture icon that Larry Hama has been a huge influence in shaping, it's his role as the writer of the Marvels-licensed G.I. Joe. Many of the characters were named after Hama's family, friends, and comrades who died during the Vietnam War, whereas others were named after historical figures. Classic characters such as Snake Eyes, Scarlett, Quick Kick, and many more were created by this man and these characters will continue to exist long after their creation. However, many people are not aware of this fact and for many Asian Americans who struggle to find role-models in the entertainment and comic book business, it must be said that Larry Hama stands tall along with other legends such as Stan Lee and Bob Kane.

So how will people know of Larry Hama and other Asian American artists who have made equally important contributions in their work? Who will show the history of such contributions so that other APA folks can get inspiration from and create the next legendary comic book character? In this day and age, there aren't that many museums and exhibitions that come into mind but this will all come to change when the ImaginASIAN exhibition takes place in Lafayette, Indiana on April 2nd - May 9th, 2010. Spearheaded by Kate Agathon, a graduate student of Purdue University, the exhibition accomplishes both as a silent auction and as a permanent display collection that will tour around the country and celebrate the experiences and works of APA artists.

Larry Hama is one of many contributors to this exhibition and has sent in two submissions: a pencil sketch of Snake-Eyes and one of the Baroness as well. Which one goes to the silent auction and which one goes to the permanent collection? The donations made from the silent auction will go to fund for APA materials in Purdue University and Indiana University libraries and so it could be argued that the more popular work of art should go to the silent auction so that it gets people to eagerly offer their donation. But at the same time, if the classic icon is part of the permanent collection, it is priceless and will become part of HISTORY and allow thousands of people to gaze upon the artwork and learn where and who it came from. Among the thousands of people will be Asian Americans who will look at these historical artifacts and before you know it, be imbued with a reassuring sense of history and placement that they can let their dreams go wild.

So which should go to the silent auction and be sold to the highest bidder? Which should become part of history and be part of the permanent APA collection? Snake Eyes or the Baronness?

If I had any silly input in this, I would make the tough choice and have Snake Eyes for the permanent collection. While his greater popularity would probably result in higher biddings and gain funds for the APA studies department in Purdue University, one must realize that once that artwork is sold, it is for the individual's viewing pleasure only. To people who are not even GI Joe fans, there are many who are aware of the silent deadly black ninja that is Snake Eyes and only GI Joe fans will know who the heck the Baronness is. Hell, I don't even remember what she looked like. For the Snake Eyes artwork to become priceless and not stay just in one person's home but travel around in multiple locations throughout the United States, even the world, its impact will be more meaningful.

The world will know that Snake Eyes, and many of the GI Joe characters, came to be because of Larry Hama.

Hatred, Prejudice, and Freedom of Speech

2010-02-22T23:22:00.000-08:00

Today, an old friend of mine in UCSD told me about a certain incident that occurred at his college where one of the fraternities held a frat party called "Compton Cookout" during Black History Month.

The invitation urged all participants to wear chains, rapper-style urban clothing by makers such as FUBU and speak very loudly. Female participants were encouraged to be "ghetto chicks" with gold teeth, cheap clothes and "short, nappy hair." The invitation said the party would serve watermelon, chicken, malt liquor, cheap beer and a purple sugar-water concoction called "dat Purple Drank."

In this college, black students only compose 1.8% of the entire student population and when they protested against the party, a student magazine called the Koala commented by saying that the black students are "the ungrateful n****** who were not thankful for the party that was thrown in their cause". Later, this was taken down and replaced with a less racist but still hostile message: "The Koala would like to condemn the organizers of the Compton Cookout. If history has shown us anything, you need more black people at your party to have enough black-on-black violence to actually justify the name "Compton." Shame on you. SHAME."

Looking through the website and immediately noticing one of their covers with the title of "Night of the Horny Asians" and a picture of dead Haitian children, I can immediately say that for a student magazine, this has got to be one of the most tasteless, offensive, and insensitive magazines I have seen that is distributed to students, funded by the college administration. People who actually find this funny at the expense of other people's ethnicities and gender infuriates the crap out of me and makes my blood boil. Though I'm growing older and hopefully wiser, I'm still a hothead and it takes a considerable amount of effort to calm myself down and be rational when I come across racist ish like this.

There have been several UCSD students that have mobilized to take action against the Koala magazine and many are in favor of shutting the magazine down completely, while others are requesting that the school stop funding the magazine altogether. As much as I want this magazine to go away from the face of this planet, we are in a country where the First Amendment grants us the freedom to say whatever the hell we want, as stupid/ignorant/hate-filled it may be.

But the First Amendment guidelines aren't so simple. You can't yell "FIRE" in a public facility nor can you publicly declare that you want to assassinate the President. These things will immediately get you in serious trouble. However, the KKK can rally in a neighborhood even if nobody wants them there, anti-abortionists can wave around bloody fetus dolls...and the Koala can make the former statement mentioned above.

While universities and colleges are designed for students to grow and learn in a conducive, open environment, it becomes an issue when student-run publications and organizations can do the opposite and target a specific minority and express their belligerent ignorance and hatred. Do these people have the right to do that and make students (in this case, the black students in UCSD) feel like they don't belong?

In my honest opinion, they do.

Yet when I say that, I am grinding my teeth because as a person of color and as an Asian American, ignorance and prejudice are no strangers to me. When you are a minority group that is underrepresented and have no voice, it is hard for anyone to take you seriously. More often than not, you are chastised and told to have a sense of humor and learn to take jokes. We are in a country that is broiled with systematic and personal racism and as such, the topic of race and racism still ignites strong emotions from people. More often than not, people are tired of talking about race and would like to sweep it under the rug. As easy and convenient that may be, sweeping your mess under the rug will not solve anything because you still have that mess.

If there is something great to be learned from our past, as murky and troubled as it may be, the greatest leaders who have effected change in the face of hatred did so not with anger or violence. They did it with kindness, the kind made of unyielding determination. The haters have the right to say what they want but our responsibility is not to give in to what they want and react with violence or insist that they have no right to express their opinion. Because once we do that, we are setting ourselves up on a dangerous slippery slope. We will be no better than they are.

Not too long ago at the College of William & Mary, the college that I graduated from, a student brought a Serbian nationalist speaker to present a lecture declaring that all Muslims are violent and incapable of love. The fact that the student brought such an outrageous speaker infuriated many of the W&M students. These infuriated students at W&M reacted in the same manner as the students are doing in UCSD; to shut this speaker down and prevent him from talking. Emotions were high and these students did not realize that they were only fueling the fire to what the speaker believed in. And as such, the hard truth of the matter is that this speaker had the right to say whatever he wanted, as hate-filled and ignorant as it may be.

To this day, the matter in which this speaker was dealt with makes me proud to be a W&M alumni.

After much debate, the Muslim Student Association in my college decided that the best response was not through anger but with tolerance and love. They got together and baked heart-shaped cookies and cake for the speaker. In addition, they brought Professor Tamara Sonn, a beloved professor extremely knowledgeable in Islam to be their spokesperson. As the speaker ate the cookies and cake quietly, the meeting began. The speaker made his points about how devoid of love Muslims are and Professor Sonn responded back with knowledge of Islam that exceeded his. It was clear to see that she effectively made the speaker look like a fool for every ignorant "facts" that the speaker provided. While the speaker didn't leave the room a changed man, the victor of the debate was obvious. This was quite possibly one of the most effective counters I have seen when dealing with hatred and ignorance.

If people have the right to use the First Amendment and spread their hate and ignorance, then we must use the First Amendment back to counter their hate with knowledge and love.

Fight ignorance with knowledge. Fight hatred with love.

Vincent Chin and his Unintended Gift

2010-02-19T06:09:00.000-08:00

Today, I was able to catch a screening of Curtis Chin's "Vincent Who?" at the UCLA School of Law and to make sure I would make it to the screening on time, I left two hours in advance but thanks to my terrible driving, atrocious traffic at the 405, and my unfamiliarity with the UCLA campus, what should've taken 25 minutes ended up taking two hours.

Why did I really want to make it to the screening on time? Back when I was at the College of William & Mary, my professor and mentor, Francis Tanglao-Aguas, showed his class the documentary "Who Killed Vincent Chin?" Before watching this movie, I had no idea who Vincent Chin was.

After watching the movie, I cannot recall any movie that has made me feel so helpless and infuriated at the same time. I'm sitting there, holding back my tears, blood boiling in my body, wanting to yell and scream, to punch a wall, to do SOMETHING that can make me feel better about myself and the world that we live in. For those who don't know, Vincent Chin was a Chinese American who was mistaken for being Japanese and as a result, was beaten in the skull with a baseball bat by two white men. He lapsed into a coma and died on June 23rd, 1982. To this day, those two men, Ronald Ebens and his stepson, Michael Nitz, has yet to serve a single day in prison.

What is the significance of Vincent Chin and his tragic death? It is because of his death that for the first time in history, Asian Americans mobilized as a single cohesive unit and it wasn't just the Chinese community or the Koreans or the Filipinos that protested, but EVERYBODY, the entire community protested as community of one along with other non-Asians. Asian American activism became alive again, from the fire that was once dormant since the radical time of the 60's in Southern California. For the first time in history, Asian Americans across the nation rallied to fight against the injustice, to fight against the U.S. court decision telling them that the life of an Asian person means absolutely jack shit.

There are no shortages of hate crimes in this world. Joseph Ileto, a Filipino American postal worker in Los Angeles who was killed in cold blood by a white supremacist on August 10th, 1999. Balbir Singh Sodhi, a Sikh gas station owner in Arizona who was killed because the shooter thought he was a terrorist simply because Sodhi was wearing a turban. He was killed on September 15th, 2001, the first hate crime victim to be killed as a result of 9/11 and the irrational fear that took over America.

These two Asian American individuals, out of many who were killed in ignorance and hatred, had people and community activists who fought for their recognition...their recognition that their life was not worthless and that justice needs to be served. The mobilization to protest as Asian Americans originated with the death of Vincent Chin.

So with the screening of "Vincent Who?", I saw that there were many people who were infuriated by the death of Vincent Chin just like I was and made it their life goal to make changes in this world. I saw how the Japanese American community immediately bonded with the Muslim American community right after 9/11 and how the JACL wanted to make damn sure that the U.S. government did not even consider setting up internment camps, so that the Muslim community did not have to suffer what the Japanese community did more than 60 years ago. I was awed by all the interviewees in the documentary, people passionate about the matters that I'm passionate about, doing their part to make a difference in the world.

Where am I now at this point in my life? I just graduated from college and I've only been here in LA for two weeks. I have yet to find a job even though I can easily continue being a server again except I'm being so goddamn stubborn since I want a job that actually makes a difference to what I am passionate about. Then again, I'm better off wishing for penguins to start flying. I'm also a wannabe actor, but have yet to take off ANYWHERE with that, and if I want to act, I want to be in things that means something. Once again, I'm better off wishing for penguins to start flying.

What can I do then? What can I possibly control in my life?

I can write. I can write about the things that matters most to me and maybe I will be able to share that passion with the readers who stumble on this blog. Whatever I want to do in my life, I want to join the ranks of the people who have made a difference in their own unique way, to share the love and view of tolerance, appreciation, and respect, to make this world a better place. Insha'Allah, I hope I find my own way of contributing something to this world.

Being honest with one's own racism

2010-02-16T20:10:00.000-08:00

Everyone's a little bit racist

Sometimes.

Doesn't mean we go

Around committing hate crimes.

Look around and you will find

No one's really color blind.

Maybe it's a fact

We all should face

Everyone makes judgments

Based on race.

- Avenue Q

Two days ago, as I was driving through downtown L.A. with my friend, I locked my doors randomly when we were going through Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. My friend looks at me and asked, "Eddy, did you just lock your doors when you saw those two thug-looking black people walk across the street?"

"...Fuck me. You're right, I DID lock my doors right after I saw them."

"Eddy, you're so RACIST."

"Damn. This is something I need to think about."

And so for the past two days, I have been thinking about the issue of racism, one of the few topics in the world that can reduce the most rational and sensible people into furious and blubbering savages. In this day and age, it has become uncool to be racist and whenever anyone implies that another person is racist or has racist intentions, the other person will react in such violent force and defend how non-racist they are.

I'm gonna keep it real and say it out straight. Like the Avenue Q song, I firmly believe that EVERYBODY is a little bit racist and those who say they are not...well, they are heavily misguided.

Racism, to most people, seem to equal this:

In most people's minds, to be racist means to be proactively hating against a specific group(s) of people based on their ethnicity and skin color, but rarely would they equate racism to subtle social interactions that places certain people on hierarchy of thought. Racism exists not only on a systematic and institutional level, but also on a personal level where one has inherent beliefs that a certain race portrays undesirable characteristics. We have seen celebrities slipping up and showing their racist undertones that the media will immediately jump on them and accuse them of being ignorant or racist...which is hypocritical, as if they are saying that this is a trait we ALL don't have. Shaquille O'Neal, Miley Cyrus, Don Imus, and Chris Matthews are some of the more recent examples of folks who have said or done something racist but they are just like all of us since we all have done something like that. It is something that we can't accuse others of doing without realizing that we do it ourselves.

So let's get back to where I locked my car doors when I saw two thug-looking black people walk across the street.

Clearly, they posed no threat to me and were just walking along their way. Did I lock my doors because they were black? Did I lock my doors based on how they dressed? Or did I lock my doors based on my preconceived knowledge of what that particular street avenue in downtown L.A. was like? Or did I lock my doors because of all of these factors combined?

I do know that I have had similar reactions when bypassing/confronting thug-looking Korean folks and unsavory Mexican teenagers calling me "Chino vendejo" across the street. So I won't dismiss myself and say that the color of black intimidates me but rather the element of class also plays a significant role in my perception of people. I would have more of a negative reaction to people dressing thug and gangster than to those who are wearing "casual" clothing.

I'm slowly getting into the familiar territory where people make excuses of admitting a level of racism that they have. So let me be real about myself: I have racist notions towards whites, Koreans, blacks, and Latinos.

With white people, my first impression for any white person I will meet is that they will be soaked in white privilege, have no idea how to talk about race without saying how much they like Korean BBQ, they had a Filipino girlfriend or that they have black friends, and humorously look down on the Asian man with condescending undertones. When I see a white guy with any minority girl (especially Asian girls), I cannot help but get a negative reaction that forms in my gut. Especially if the white guy is butt ugly or fat as a lard bucket.

With blacks and Latinos, the issue that I seem to still have within myself are those that talk and dress "ghetto". I notice that I'm more on guard with blacks and Latinos who act thuggish than those who are upper-class and dress "more white". I think I'm more on guard with folks who possess this certain characteristic because they will see me as some inferior Chink that can easily be pushed over.

With Koreans, compared to all the other races that I harbor some racist notions towards to, my guard is at its highest whenever I meet a Korean person. Unless I know for sure that they are APA activists or people who are not culturally Korean and similar like me, I am worried that my lack of awareness for all things Korean will will make me look like an ignorant bastard. I also regard Koreans as the angriest Asian group out of all the Asians, one of the most exclusive group of people that only wants to keep to themselves.

For all these groups, my first impressions fail to go beyond the skin color and I automatically make assumptions about who they are as people and how they will act towards me. I work hard to not let my first impressions become my ONLY impressions but I cannot lie and say that I regard everybody at first glance with a saint-like perspective. I must also be aware of some interesting viewpoints that I have towards black, Indian, and Hispanic women, and notice that I seem to prefer them over women of other ethnicities. Is this some kind of fetish that I have where I am only attracted by their skin color and with that, I am attracted to my assumptions of what that skin color carries for that woman? I'm not sure.

All I can say that is if I am to pursue my life as an activist, I need to constantly monitor myself and be aware of my own racism, my own shortcomings and viewpoints that I have towards other people and always, always remind myself that my goal is to see people beyond their skin color yet acknowledge their skin color at the same time.

So I'll go ahead and say yes, I'm a little bit racist. Dirty cat's out of the bag.

What about you? Share me your honest thoughts and maybe we can make this racism topic a little less scary than it is and actually talk about it in a constructive manner.

Being a "kyopo" in Los Angeles Koreatown

2010-02-07T22:18:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: So apparently I'm not moving to K-town anymore as a friend of mine in LA needed a roommate in her area in Santa Monica. I gotta be honest, about a ton's worth of stress was lifted off my shoulders when I learned that I didn't have to live in a rough, overly crowded neighborhood while being oh so lonely in a boarding house.

------------------------------------------------------------

I have taken the initiative upon myself to live in Koreatown for at least the next 3-6 months and experience the unique Korean-American lifestyle that is offered here. Today, my friends took me to the K-Town area to check out this permitted boarding house called the Prime Guest House where you get your own furnished room and includes cable tv, utilities, bathroom, shower, heating/AC, laundry services, and they even make breakfast and dinner for you. Granted, it has many disadvantages (you obviously can't host parties here and they are very iffy with having a guest stay over) but it's the perfect place to at least get acquainted with the chaotic lifestyle that is downtown Los Angeles. Being in the boarding house felt like I was in Seoul and when you step outside and smell the Korean BBQ cooking right down the street, you can't help but feel like a piece of Korea is here with you.

I like it that all I need to do is move in there with my body and my luggages. While I can easily find a roommate here in Los Angeles, there is a part of me that calls for the need to move into this boarding house by myself and be surrounded by Koreans. If I really think about it, I think my body is telling me that I need to experience the Korean immigrant lifestyle, to at least get a feel what it's like for the men and women who come to America to start a new life. I know that I want to be here because I want to badly reclaim the Korean language and the only possible place I can do that in LA is here in K-town.

I know it's gonna be lonely, though, living in this area.

My Korean proficiency is equivalent to that of a kindergartener and my cultural upbringing is as non-Korean as you can get. From my generalized knowledge and experience of what Koreans are like, they look down upon people like me, a "kyopo" like me. ("Kyopo" is a Korean term used for Korean people who do not identify with Korean culture).

But I know I gotta do it. I didn't come to LA just to live in the pampered, white-dominated sections of the city. Other than reclaiming my Korean and trying my best to get acquainted with Korean Americans around me, I need to reclaim my Spanish as well. Withing the K-town area, the Korean population is intertwined with the Latino population and by having both worlds right in my neighborhood, it is the perfect opportunity to re-learn the languages that I have lost.

Although my paranoid friends are always telling to watch out, that I might get mugged/shot/stabbed/beaten up by Mexican and/or Korean tough guys (pretty stereotypical for sure but my friends are paranoid and blunt to a T), I did after all, come to LA to experience the utopia and dystopia of America. So while I sincerely hope that I won't get attacked by a 2-inch shiv or get my ass kicked by Korean guys 1 year older than me and demanding respect, I didn't come to LA just so I can live comfortably in a pampered world.

These are indeed some heavy things to think about while I'm already wondering how the hell I'm going to make new friends, do well in the acting world, and pay my rent in this scary big city.

Frak me...I need something to distract my mind temporarily from what is coming ahead...

Oh, why, hello Brown-Eyed Girls!

The HanSarang Movement

2010-02-05T01:50:00.000-08:00

Han Sarang.

It is a Korean word that means "One Love" and it is a word that's been a part of me for the past several months.

This blog is taking a new direction with the new name change. From "Asiamerican Pride" to "The HanSarang Movement", the change reflects a bigger idea that is more than just being proud of my Asian American heritage and writing about solely Asian American matters. But at the same time, by using a Korean word for "One Love", I am maintaining my roots as an Asian American and the passion I have for APA activism.

As such, the blog will still be heavily focused on APA matters but will slowly expand its horizons to include all international matters that deals with the beauty of what it means to be human as well as the ignorance, prejudice, and hatred we as people face because of our differences that makes us so beautiful. It is a fight that will always be a part of me but I know that there is a much bigger picture at hand, the desire to truly understand others in their own light and terms, and to pursue social justice for all. I know I am tackling on even bigger things but it's time to step up my game.

The City of Angels

2010-02-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

It hasn't quite hit me that I'm actually here in Los Angeles now. After what seemed to be a lifetime of waiting, 2/1/2010 arrived and I took off from my home of Williamsburg, VA. In the weeks prior to that momentous day, I got rid of the things I didn't need and packed my entire life into two suitcases, a guitar, a violin, and a backpack. I said aloha to my dear friends, as I don't believe in "goodbyes" since "goodbye" is a word that has only one singular meaning in the English language. But if there is a goodbye, it is to Williamsburg, VA.

Who would've thought that this quaint little town would be responsible for making a pivotal turning point in my life? It was here where I met the people who have become my pamilya, my aa'elah, my gahjuk...my family. It was these people that showed me how to love myself, my skin color, my ethnicity...the people who have inspired me to love others fiercely and to fight for what is right. I will forever remember that it was here that I found my salvation and my life-long passion, and that is something I will never forget.

It was unusual that I did not feel frightened or nervous about coming to Los Angeles. As soon as I arrived at the LAX airport and even during the hours before that, I had a very strange feeling that I was meant to come to this place. Heavier than the luggages I brought with me, I brought with me the passion to fight for a more just, accurate, and humane depictions of people in media representation, and to forever learn and appreciate the differences that makes us people unique yet never forget the common ties that we all share. What better place than Los Angeles, the city where people of all backgrounds come to make their dreams come true, the melting pot that led to the high boiling eruption of the '92 LA riots...the utopia and dystopia of America.

There are so many things to do here. There are so many people to meet. Already I have met like-minded individuals in this city who feel the way I feel, who fight the battles that I am fighting right now.

But right now, I'm gonna take it easy and enjoy my very first In N' Out burger.

Empathy for Haiti's sake. Empathy for Humanity's sake

2010-01-21T14:17:00.000-08:00

As you may know, it's a hot field day for the media with the earthquake devastation that has taken place in Haiti. With over 200,000 dead, millions wounded and/or homeless, reporters and journalists are flying in from all over the world to cover the debacle that will guarantee them sensational imagery of the chaos that they see before them. Eight such sensational images stand before you now.

Now I ask of you to look at each and every one of these pictures but forget what the media is trying to tell you. I ask you to forget any notion that may be in your head that these poor Haitian people demand your sympathy. I ask you to drop any prejudiced thoughts you may have when you look at the pictures of looting and violence and think that this is the inherent nature of black people. I am not saying that you as the reader may actually have these thoughts, but if you do, I ask you to look at this from a different perspective.

I ask that you approach these pictures with the mindset that these Haitian people are no different than you. They may have a different skin color than you, speak differently than you, and live in a world far away from you, but they are your brothers and sisters, your mothers and fathers, your sons and daughters. They are us and we are them and simply put, when any of us are put in a situation like they have, don't tell me that you won't consider looting so that you can get food and water for your starving family. Don't tell me that you can be so high-minded that you won't resort to anger and violence when you've lost everything and everyone. We are all one and in times of crisis, we must never forget that.

To respect Asiamerican Pride's agenda by dealing with media representation responsibly, I have decided to not put up a picture of a Haitian mass grave. Because what good can that possibly do? We KNOW there are hundreds of thousands of people who are dead...why must the media blast us with gruesome sensational images to scream at our faces what we already know? If this was to happen in America, in a particularly well-established city, I highly doubt there would be countless images of dead Americans, especially white Americans, flying around as if it was a massive circus act. But when it's in a foreign area (or hell, even IN American soil with the case of Hurricane Katrina) with non-white folks, it seems to be high game to take snapshots of dead bodies and have reporters standing 4 ft away from them and talk about the devastation as if it was their trophy prize.

For the reporters, if you are standing next to a rubble where you KNOW there are people still trapped inside...what are you doing? Why don't you actually help out with the relief at hand instead of looking all pretty and glamorous for the camera and hope that this will give you a chance for a career jump? If you are surrounded by screaming and crying children, what are you doing? Help them, please help them, or at least talk to them, damn it, and do your part as a fellow human being.

...

Maybe I am asking for too much. Indeed, I may even be a fool myself for sitting in my room, writing this silly blog entry, and not actually HELPING anyone who is suffering in Haiti, let alone anywhere. But I can't help these tears that come out of my eyes when I think about the people who are having it so much worse than me, who have lost everything, who have lost all reasons to hope. Maybe I feel so much because there was a time when I lost all reasons to hope for even being alive. When I was able to come out of the deep end because of the few that took time and love to see me through, I know I needed to pay it forward. I want to spread the hope that no matter who you are, tomorrow is a better day. I am not naive that I can solve all their problems with a magic Band-Aid but at the very least, I just want those who have lost all hope to start believing again that there IS hope.

But how do I accomplish that?

The Crash drinking game

2010-01-20T10:22:00.000-08:00

Words can't describe how much I get annoyed when I hear people praising how amazing Paul Haggis's "Crash" is. Described to be a "mind-blowing" film about racism in America, this "mind-blowing" film is really just a badly-written story where you take multiple characters, have them say the most racist/stereotypical/ignorant things possible, hash in some drama, and voilà. If anything, this is a literal crash (harharhar) course for people who believe racism is dead or believe that multiculturalism only applies to the black & white binary. Also, considering that the movie is set in LA, the portrayal of Asian Americans is incredibly minimal and relegated to the background. I mean, hello, did anybody remember the Los Angeles riots back in 1992?? The movie does portray a Korean couple who smuggle illegal Asian immigrants but for the life of me, I can't even comprehend how realistic that is. If the film-makers actually met Koreans who did that, well, I'll be damned.

With that said, to honor how ridiculously silly this movie is, I developed a drinking game for this movie where you take a shot every time a character says something outrageously racist/stereotypical/ignorant. My theory is, halfway through the movie, you should be absolutely trashed.

I'm gonna try this game out sometime next week and possibly film myself (and possibly other volunteers) while I watch the movie and take my tequila/vodka shots. Stay tuned.

Reflecting on MLK Day and APA activism

2010-01-18T10:33:00.000-08:00

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day to everyone!

It doesn't need to mentioned here how things are so incredibly different it is today compared to what it was like over 50 years ago. Initiated by Rosa Parks and propelled into motion by MLK, the Civil Rights movement significantly transformed the landscape of America as the courage and determination of our Freedom Fighters stood strong in the face of extreme prejudice and hatred.

As Asian Pacific Americans, we owe a huge debt to the efforts of the African American community as they led the way to create a more just life for all who live in the United States. From the Civil Rights movement came the Yellow Power movement and it was during the 1960's that we first made an effort to do away with the "Oriental" label that we have been called ever since the first Chinese immigrants came to the United States around the 1850's. From this revolution, the term "Asian American" was created as a political gesture for Asians to make their stance that they are Americans just like everybody else.

It is now 2010...where are we now?

On 2008, the United States had their first African-American President and once again, history repeats itself in that it paves the way for other people of color to step up and have their voices heard. It is a reminder that as people of color, whether we are Asian, black, or Latino, we must acknowledge the struggle that we each face is shared and together, we can truly make a difference.

Despite the advances and progressive measures we have taken ever since the King dreamed of a better world, we are not living in a post-racial society. Racism is NOT dead and will forever be a cancerous agent that will exist for many more years to come. In fact, the battle for equality may be even more difficult now as the political climate in America have made overt racism unfavorable (it is important to note that it still exists, however) and instead we are dealing with covert, subtle forces that are hard to pinpoint and call out on. For those who still fight, our Freedom Fighters today are no longer viewed positively in mainstream society. Instead these fighters are accused of KEEPING racism alive and making a fuss over nothing.

This can especially be said for Asian Pacific American activists.

Many believe that racism doesn't exist for Asians or that Asians don't have a right to complain because they didn't have it as hard as other minorities. As Asian Pacific Americans, our biggest enemy is the model minority myth that perpetuates a positive stereotype that Asians don't have it as hard as blacks and Latinos. This is far from the truth and doing a comparison contest with people of color will only distract the real issue at hand. Discrimination, prejudice, and hate crimes do happen to us and the model minority myth only covers the ugly past incidents that have occurred to us.

The Chinese Exclusion Act. Signed into law by Chester A. Arthur on May 8, 1882, the U.S. federal law was one of the only laws that specifically targeted an ethnicity from entering U.S. soil simply because of their skin color.

Executive Order 9066. Signed by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt on February 19, 1942, this act called for the order to put Japanese Americans in internment camps. Despite the evidence provided by high-ranking U.S. military officials that there was no reason to be suspicious of the overwhelming number of the Japanese Americans brought into the camps, the act was still given the green light because the American public was fearful of the "Yellow invasion". During this war, the Japanese people were the only ones targeted by the American propaganda solely for their ethnicity unlike the Germans, where it was mostly focused on vilifying the Nazi regime.

Vincent Chin. A Chinese American who was killed on June 23rd, 1982 with a baseball bat for being a Japanese scab taking jobs away from the Ford auto plant and for standing up for himself. The attackers were slapped with a $3,000 fine and minimal jail sentence.

September 11, 2001. When the towers fell, the American public targeted people of Middle Eastern and South Asian descent, in the same manner that the American public targeted Japanese Americans sixty years prior. Our Asian brothers and sisters that hailed from these reigons were subjected to the most ridiculous discrimination and hate crimes because the mainstream public couldn't think for themselves and MAYBE think that the terrorists conducting these atrocious acts represent only a small fraction of the Muslim/South Asian population.

These are only a few examples in American history that brings into light that Asians and Asian American do face racism and discrimination. Our plights are shared with the black and Latino community, and it is important to remember that knowledge in our collective past will help us work towards fulfilling the King's dream together.

My Asian Pacific American Heroes (OUTLINE)

2010-01-10T07:03:00.000-08:00

This is only a bare outline of my upcoming entry for my APA heroes. The entry itself will be uber lengthy, filled with pictures, videos, and the most important thing, lots of love and respect.

The Scholars

Ronald Takaki, Edward Said

The Spoken Poets

Michelle Myers, Catzie Villayphonh, Alvin Lau, Adriel Luis, Ruby Veridiano, Bao Phi, Beau Sia

The Actors & The Entertainers

Sessue Hayakawa, James Shigeta, Bruce Lee, John Cho, Bobby Lee, Kal Penn, James Kyson Lee, Randall Park, Margaret Cho, Daniel Dae Kim, Ken Leung

The Directors

Ang Lee, Justin Lin, Mira Nair, Michael Kang

The Bloggers

Phil Yu, Carmen Van Kerckhove

The Musicians

Chris Iijima, Far East Movement, Blue Scholars, David Choi, Kina Grannis, Jay Sean, Charlina Ahn

The YouTube Artists

Wong Fu Productions, Christine Gambito, Kevin Wu

The Military

Anthony Taguba, Dan Choi, the 442nd Infantry Regiment, Anthony Elopre

The Basketball Player

Jeremy Lin

The Teachers & Professors

Francis Tanglao-Aguas, Maera Iris Busa

The Writers

Tak Toyoshima, Vicky Yue, Irene Park

The Fashion Designer

Tong-June Moon

The Freestyler

Mohammad Torabinejad

The Activists & Community Leaders

Yul Kwon, Cosmo Fujiyama, Shayma Jannat, Hanif Yazdi, Stacey Eunnae, Amanda Andrei

The Survivor

Adeline Lai

Fighting a losing battle on ignorance & Asian ethnic slurs

2010-01-08T19:46:00.001-08:00

"WELCOME TO THE GREATEST JAPANESE GAME SHOW! CHING CHONG BEAUTIFUL!!!"

Newgrounds.com, a Flash animation website that was created by Tom Fulps and started ion. July 6, 1995. It was a website that I looked forward to for finding flash animations that are beautiful works of art and highly entertaining.

But everything changed when I found "Ching Chong Beautiful" featured on their front page.

Featuring a white guy obsessed with Asian culture! Japanese game show parody! Hilarious Asian accents! Yellowface!

**Insert canned laughter**

In my protest against this game, I'm once again reminded that I need to get a "sense of humor", "stop bitching", and stop being a "drama queen". Non-Asians and Asians alike who immediately jump on me for standing up to my beliefs. One Indian commentator who tried to separate the Asian connection between the two of us by saying that I was an overreacting asshole overreacting and made sure to say that he was Indian and had nothing to do with me. Another guy who stated that he was Asian and told me I needed to shut up because I was making the Asians look bad.

While this game has been featured on AngryAsianMan and Racialicious, they washed their hands of this and are dealing with other more pressing events that they get information from. For me, I'm stubbornly fighting a battle that I know can't be won. About a flash game. On a Flash animations website. Yet I wanted to test and see what would happen when I state my opinion that the title of the game was derived from an American ethnic slur. What would be the responses that I would get? Would there be anyone to support me or would more people claim that I was causing unnecessary trouble? Would Non-Asians and Asians alike jump at me and accuse me of being too whiny or that I'm making Asians look bad? From the responses that I got down below, it seems that I got the whole schenanigan. I'm reminded how incredibly lonely it is to voice an opinion that is immediately shunned and yet it presses me to press forward. The question that I now have is, are there some battles that are worth fighting and keeping fighting for, or are there times when we need to quit and live to fight another day?

With that said, I leave you with the letter I wrote to the Newgrounds company:

First off, I think I may be alone in the Newgrounds community for expressing this belief.

I find the name of "Ching Chong Beautiful", the game created by The-Swain and JohnnyUtah to be extremely problematic. I've had hostile e-mails written to me by JohnnyUtah and I know for sure I can't get a civil discussion out of him.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I am not looking for people to jump on me and think that I'm being ignorant and need to "get over it", "stop being a drama queen", or "get a sense of humor", or God forbid, I'm being a "racist" as well. I'm looking for people who agree with what I say. I'm also looking for people who if they don't agree with me, they will have an open mind and at least understand where I'm coming from.

With that said, this is my main beef with CCB:

First off, the name was something I could not get JohnnyUtah and The-Swain to understand as the former told me that: "i think you're completely overreacting, id already had plenty of asian people tell me they thought it was funny. if that makes me a dick then so be it." The latter gave me a more long-winded explanation to why it was appropriate.

Arguments that other Asian people find this hilarious or acceptable DOES not mean that racist slurs & imagery are okay. While it obviously complicates the matter and makes people like me be put on the spotlight for not having any humor, it only avoids the simple issue that once again, racism (whether subtle or overt) is still very much real.

A racist slur is STILL a racist slur. And on top of that, the game is loaded with incredibly demeaning stereotypical images that makes the Asian person and culture look like a less-than-desired foreign object.

There is an incredibly large fanbase around the world, and a good part of the fanbase are people of Asian descent. Imagine what it's like for them to check out their favorite flash website, and only to have a game featured on the front page that blatantly mocks their identity and their culture. If they protest or question about it, they are immediately dismissed and ridiculed for not having a sense of humor or that they didn't "get it". Incidents like these are repeated over and over and while the mainstream media isn't aware of this, these people of Asian descent become conflicted whether or not it's appropriate to stand up for their beliefs when everybody tells them making fun of Asian people is okay.

I don't want to do a comparison test but if the game was called "Negro Paradise" or "Wetback Wonders", I do not believe that would fly so well with the general public. However, the name of "Ching Chong Beautiful" comes in and nobody breaks a sweat. Newgrounds, like the mainstream media, has allowed the idea that it is acceptable to mock Asian culture and identity, as part of a punch line.

I do want to argue that I am not one of those guys who think it's totally okay to make fun of white people for their racial identity as well. But unfortunately, any racial slurs for white people do not carry the same negative weight in comparison to racial slurs against people of color.

I understand that Japanese game shows are indeed ridiculous and over the top. JohnnyUtah responds: "Why don't you go spend your time boycotting those japanese gameshows that are making their culture more of a fucking joke than swain or I ever could."

But understand that these game shows IS their culture and just because people happen to find it stupid does not mean their standards or culture compared to another one are any better or worse.

If there's anything I want, a goal, I hope that if there are people who express my same beliefs, that they are not afraid to speak out. I hope there are people out there who at least see where I'm coming from, even if they don't agree with me. I can only hope.

Here are some of the more memorable responses that I got:

The only person that agreed with me or saw where I was coming from:

"First off, I agree that the flash title is racist to some extent. If you find it offensive, I caution you to avoid large sections of this site, as there are many more offensive things to uncover.

And you're correct that the community as a whole would become more upset if the name was a different sort of racial slur (I believe you used the words "Negro" and "Wetback"). However, this double standard of racism extends further than Newgrounds - into society as a whole - as "Asian American Racism" seems to frequently fall by the wayside when compared to "African American Racism" and "Hispanic/Latino American Racism".

I don't know whether this passivity regarding Asian American Racism is the result of the fact that the TYPE of stereotypes used for Asian Americans (smart, short, etc) are not as harsh as the stereotypes used in racist comments regarding Hispanic Americans and African Americans. Needless to say, you're fighting an uphill battle regarding Asian American Racism within the American society as a whole, let alone within the Newgrounds community.

So, again, I can understand where you are coming from - but just know that this indifference towards Asian American Racism did not originate on Newgrounds but is a (regrettable) theme throughout American society, so you can't put all of the blame on Newgrounds or the creators of Ching Chong Beautiful."

The rest did not:

"Overreacting asshole is overreacting. I'm Indian and when ever anyone brings up a racial stereotype, I counter it with another racial stereotype about my race."

"People like the OP are why there are so many problems in the world. So many things have been destroyed by political correctness gone mad, and I would hate to see bastions like Newgrounds falling to the forces of lameness. Look up 'context' in the dictionary, and start applying it to situations where you apparently see racism and prejuduce, rather than just assuming that every single person who makes any kind of comment against a race which can be deemed offensive also wants to go out on the streets and lynch members of said race. Being offended by things is nothing but self-indulgent nonsense. EVERYBODY has free will. If you don't like something you can choose to turn it off. There is nothing I hate more than self-righteous pricks who launch crusades against things because apparently THEY didn't like it. I mean, to think that something should be changed or removed just because it offended your sensibilities, how much more self-centered can you get? People who are offended by things, you are not special. Your opinion isn't more valid because you had some bullshit experience in the past where someone was mean to you. Everyone has actually experienced these things. I mean, to be honest, the OP offends me because he actually took the time to complain about something on a site like Newgrounds, so should he be deleted? I mean, thats the rationale behind these people isn't it? I was offended by something so make it go away, NOW! Anyway, to quote the immortal words of Dylan Moran: "There is nothing wrong with prejudice. It reminds us of who we are".

"I'm Asian and i don't think that game is offensive. IF you think the game is offensive then you must have slanted eyes , a moustache and the body of a goldfish. You're giving us Asians a bad name, not all Asians are Chinese pricks like you"

"This kid's messing with words and trying to make it seem like he's being specifically targeted by the game. All I can really say to you, immigrantsong, is, ching chong wonton honorable general."

"You're mistaken, racism is when a certain ethnic group is discriminated because of their race. The terms "Ching chong" Aren't racist, Asians aren't being discriminated in any way, shape or form when it's being used, it's considered ignorant more than racist, and even that is eliminated because this was used as a form of comedy."

"Well, I'm American of Asian decent, and I find it hilarious. When people actually whine about racial insensitivity, it just shows how much you lack a sense of humor. Racism is the belief that one race is superior, and Ching Chong Beautiful is not racist, it just pokes fun with stereotypes. Wars are started because people can't laugh. Do you know what that means?

You're Hitler."

The HanSarang Game Plan

2010-01-07T04:55:00.001-08:00

"matter of fact: breaths, steps - take them, and make them meaningful. make a choice, and stand by it. then run with it. what choices are you going to make today to be the person you want to be? when everything seems to be falling apart, the unpredictable power of one choice can remind us of our ability to control our lives. i was inspired this morning by things i couldn't imagine. and it all started with one choice."

Mo T, my spiritual twin brother, your words speak the truth.

The purpose of this entry is to firmly put down in coherent words what I plan to do for the rest of my life, or at least, what I think I know I'll be doing for the rest of my life. I will look back at this entry and never forget the path I want to take.

If anything, I know for damn sure who I am and what I am most passionate about. I know I want to never forget to love myself and to love others, and to encourage others to do the same. I want to fight for what is right and always remember to be humble, to be thankful, and to always keep an open mind and open heart.

But I need to get down to the specifics before I get distracted.

WHO AND WHAT AM I?

I am a Korean American man who above else, is passionate about movies, theatre, and ethnic studies, especially those of Asian Pacific American matters. Also, I am a man who feels intensely and wants to make something useful out of all these emotions!

AM I A SPIRITUAL MAN?

I see the truth and beauty in Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, and all religions that teaches one to lead a selfless, righteous life. For those who properly follow it with complete open-minded understanding and respect, we will all meet each other in the most ballin' afterparty the universe will ever see.

WHO ARE MY ASIAN PACIFIC AMERICAN HEROES AND HEROINES?

Ronald Takaki, Edward Said, Chris Iijima, Sessue Hayakawa, Bruce Lee, Anthony Taguba, Dan Choi, the 442nd Infantry Regiment, Beau Sia, Michelle Myers, Catzie Villayphonh, Alvin Lau, Tak Toyoshima, Ang Lee, John Cho, Bobby Lee, Justin Lin, Mira Nair, Michael Kang, Sung Kang, Kal Penn, Jay Sean, Adriel Luis, Ruby Veridiano, Randall Park, Phil Yu, Ken Jeong, James Kyson Lee, Margaret Cho, Yul Kwon, Daniel Dae Kim, Grace Park, Bao Phi, Ken Leung, Karmen Van Kerckhove, Jeremy Lin, Wong Fu Productions, Far East Movement, Blue Scholars, David Choi, Kina Grannis, Christine Gambito, Kevin Wu, Francis Tanglao-Aguas, Adam Wong, Vicky Yue, Anthony Elopre, Charlina Ahn, Adeline Lai, Maera Iris Busa, Irene Park, Cosmo Fujiyama, Stacey Eunnae, Amanda Andrei, Tong-June Moon, Shayma Jannat, Mohammad Torabinejad, Hanif Yazdi

WHAT IS THE GOAL?

* To spread the golden value of tolerating, understanding, and appreciating all our unique differences and also acknowledging our common ties as human beings. (But I must always remember that I have always room for improvement and therefore I am not a superior or more enlightened human being to others in any way). --The Ideological--
* To strive for a more just, realistic, and humane representation of people, especially those of people of color, in the media. For better or worse, the media greatly influences how we live our lives. Because of that, media representation shall always be one of my top priorities. (But also remember that while the media has significant power, it isn't everything.) --The Practical--

WHAT IS MY MAIN CURRENT METHOD TO ACHIEVE THE GOAL?

Though I've had a rocky relationship with acting for the past eight years, a few bouts with the Bitter Acting Syndrome and all that negative jazz, I sincerely enjoy acting and I get a sheer adrenaline thrill every time I go on stage or when the camera is rolling. I got some awesome headshots taken, I know the tools of the trade, and I have invested many hours in the craft. It will only be a waste if I at least didn't give it a try in the professional world.

So...acting, it is.

But I must know the boundary of what roles I find acceptable and unacceptable. I must avoid taking roles that are devoid of any realistic human elements and are nothing but shallow caricatures and stereotypes that is reflected by my skin color. If I do find a role that has somewhat stereotypical elements but has room for it to create my own interpretation and make that character a genuine human being, this is an opportunity I probably should take. However, it is better to be poor and maintain my dignity than to be a sell out.

WILL ACTING BE THE ONLY METHOD TO ACHIEVE THE GOAL?

No. While I will give everything to train my voice & body to be at the top of my game, I will look at the possible success of acting as a half-full glass. Acting may or may not be the thing for me, and if it was meant to be that acting was not meant for me, achieving the Goal will always be my passion.

There are many other ways to accomplish the Goal.

I can be a high school teacher, theatre professor, producer, director, writer, agent, civil rights activist, program coordinator...the choices are endless.

But at the heart of it all, I can accomplish the ideological aspect of the Goal every single day by being a good friend, lover, co-worker, and colleague. When the day comes, I can make my impact in my own personal way as a husband and as a father.

DO I HAVE A MORE CREATIVE NAME FOR THE GOAL?

Let's call it the HanSarang Game Plan.

A Collection of Asian American Identity Poems, Pt. IV

2009-12-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

(Backstory: I don't remember when these poems were written but my estimated guess would be around the Fall of 2009).

The "Guess where I'm originally from" Game

When you ask me

“Where are you really from?

“Where are your parents originally from?”

Or my personal all-time favorite,

“Where are your ancestors from?”

I’ll play a little game with you to answer your question

A guessing game, for kicks and giggles

And your job is not to guess what ethnicity I am

But rather to figure out what makes me ME

Before you get to learn what my colored skin is all about

And the complicated, terrible, and beautiful history that it carries

Let me tell you the passions of my life and what drives me forward

Let me excite you as I tell you where we as people will move towards

Let me be enigmatic and mysterious to your perceiving senses

Let me show you what I’m all about before you make any pretenses

I’ll be a question mark in your desire to box and label me nicely,

Turn myself into an exclamation, a comma, or perhaps a semi colon

When we get to the end of the game and I let you in on my skin

You’ll see me the way I want you to see me.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Let's Go

I just wanna feel accepted//can't I just be accepted?//just wanna wake up to a simple day//a day without any struggle//but without struggle there is no passion//at this rate, will I ever attain a content and normal life?//but normal life is for suckas//for people who sit with their hands on their asses//let them sit, let them wander//i know i got a purpose that is worth fulfilling//but first i need to stop sitting on my own hands//so much potential, not enough action//yet the potential is growing//growing growing//growing so enormously//all i need is a light//a match to ignite the flames

A Collection of Asian American Identity Poems, Pt. III

2009-12-07T08:18:00.000-08:00

(Backstory: This poem below went three three revisions and technically came before "Revision of the Asiamerican Man's Dilemma". The first version was written two weeks after the VA Tech shooting, the second version was written and performed for my W&M college's Muslim Student Association during their Islam Awareness Week's "Hug a Muslim" performance on April 1st, 2009. The third and final version, the one you see below, was performed for the Def Jam Poetry Contest in my college on April 11th, 2009, in front of students and spoken poets Jon Goode and Rafael Casal. The first version was the rawest and contained the most pent up anger. After that, the second and final versions were done two years after the VA Tech incident and thus did not carry the brute anger that the original contained. I kinda wish I knew where the original version went...)

4-16-07

April 16th, 2007.

The day when a repressed and conflicted college student decided that the best way to express his feelings to the world was through violence and hatred. As his world around him became covered with the blood of people who did not deserve his rage, he ended the slaughter by ending his own life.

To society, he was deemed a lunatic, a monster.

To his parents that loved him, he was Seung Hui Cho, their only son.

To me, he was my brother who I never had. My brother who made it possible to say the things that I needed to say, my brother who helped me come to terms with my racial identity and acceptance as a human being. My brother who I wanted to tell this poem to so he can understand that he was not alone in feeling the rage and hatred that he felt for the world, and that this feeling does not make him a monster. My brother who I wanted to tell that everything will be alright.

For the longest time in my life, I’ve had this rage and self-hatred that was inside of me, this corrosive force that made me ashamed of being an Asian man and all the stereotypes and misconceptions that this skin came with.

This rage and self-hatred that started at home, with my father, with a man who could not handle the beatings and temper of his father before him, a man who could only express his love to me by repeating the sins of his father.

But because of him, this rage and self-hatred would define my childhood and my identification with being a Korean. If we are to suffer the uncontrollable rages of our fathers, the silence of our mothers, then I want nothing to do with this, this yellow skin, this yellow sin, this terrible reminder of a race that I have nothing but the utmost contempt for.

My hatred for my old man turned into hatred for myself, hatred for the entire Korean race. I saw nothing but race, and every words of “chink”, “gook”, the sounds of “ching chong”, would strike me hard every single time and I would feel the burn of self-hatred eating into me.

Self-hatred. What a powerful force it is. It is a force that has made me contemplate inflicting my rage to people who did not deserve it. It is a force that has made me contemplate suicide to prevent such a disturbed boy as myself expressing his feelings in the most pathetic manner possible.

So when April 16th came around, I could not help but feel the connection that I had with Seung Hui Cho. That if people labeled him a lunatic and a monster for feeling the way he did and for committing such an atrocious act, then I cannot be too far behind because my rage have dangerously come to that breaking point several times.

As our lives intertwined closer and closer together, as my world would grow darker and over shadowed with his, I realize I have a choice in how I want my story to be told. I can be ashamed of my ugly past and inflict it on the world or I can accept it and let it be told, let something ugly be turned into something beautiful.

I realize that I have too much love to give to be driven to such despair, that I need to live out my life and give my love to the people around me. I want to give hope and joy to my children so I can give to them what my father never gave me.

I want to remind myself and be proud of my Korean heritage but know that I will always be a human being at heart, unwilling to allow labels and stereotypes to define who I am and who I want to be.

A Collection of Asian American Identity Poems, Pt. II

2009-12-07T07:20:00.000-08:00

(Backstory: This poem was performed during the opening performances for hip-hop spoken poet group iLL-Literacy, when they came to the College of W&M on November 2nd, 2008.)

Koreans

Hello.

Um.

My name is Eddy and I think I'm racist against my own race.
To rephrase that, I am extremely resentful against other Koreans.

I can tolerate an individual
But I am not inclined to instantly develop some
"Kimchi Connection" with them
Just because they're Korean.

I definitely don't want the other Korean to expect me to do the same thing
Just because I have this Korean skin
Since if they do, they will find themselves sorely disappointed.

When I see a group of Koreans all huddled together by themselves,
Speaking in their exclusive Korean language,
I get a disgusted shudder all over my body.

When I am in a room full of Koreans,
I want to scream and crawl out of my skin.
I see these Koreans and Korean-Americans
and I see nothing worth liking.

I can't take it anymore.
I need an explanation why I feel this way.

Do I feel this way
because I am disconnected from their culture
and their way of life?

Is it because I have absolutely no grasp of the Korean language
and I get extremely jealous
when I see Koreans who can speak both languages fluently?

Could it be that I feel this way because I believe that Koreans are...

One of the most narrow-minded and prejudiced people in the world who hates everybody that is different from them, whether they be the blacks, the queers, the Muslims, the Chinese, the Japanese, and so on and so on? Do I feel such hatred for these Koreans because individuality is considered a weakness and if I take the risk of expressing myself, I will be ridiculed and hammered down with the rest of their conformist society?

Or does my source of rage and discontent lie deeper within my core?

Am I afraid of being thought of being seen as a Seung Hui Cho
whenever I have an angry outburst?

Does my anger at my own race
Reside in the possibility that I have this hatred for myself?

So many questions that I have no answers
to the ultimate question why I feel such hatred against Koreans.

I've been looking for the answers for all these years
and I'm not sure if I found what I was looking for.
I've learned to stop hating myself
but I still can't get around the feeling of being extremely uncomfortable
or be judgmental around other Koreans.

Perhaps...maybe, just maybe...
It is entire okay to be uncomfortable with my own race
as long as I don't force myself to put on the act of being comfortable.
It is better to be honest with myself
than attempt to fool the world in feeling something I do not.

Perhaps, in a sea of them...I found myself.

So let me re-introduce myself.

Hello.

My name is Edward Sunghoon Hong
Though you may call me a Korean-American
I refuse to be lumped into any category except HUMAN.

A Collection of Asian American Identity Poems, Pt. I

2009-12-07T05:53:00.000-08:00

I amassed a collection of poems that I wrote that dealt with my coming to terms with my Korean American identity as well as race poems in general. They are put in nearly chronological order so you can see how I have dealt with my racial identity over time. Since many of these poems are incredibly long, I split them up as individual entities and will post them as seperate blog entries.

(Backstory: Not quite sure when I wrote this poem but it was roughly around several months after the VA Tech shooting).

Revision of the Asiamerican Man's Dilemma

What is this pain I am feeling?

This sensation that I get when everytime someone of my racial heritage fucks up and makes the rest of us look bad in the eyes of America?

Why must I feel guilt or shame over the act of a single individual?

Is it the subconscious collective Asian mindset telling me to feel bad? Or is it the fact that we are a minority population and our small size in numbers make us feel like ants being burned alive by a magnifying glass?

Could it be the connection of a racial heritage that is based on

Kimchi, countless mind-numbing PC cafes, cheap soju, suppressed sex in DVD room and seddy motels, disgrunted and drunk middle aged men pissed off at

their work and families, janitors with tired, resignated faces as they scrub off the shit on the streets and subway tiles, abusive fathers, silent mothers, and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness?

Or is it simply because the connection I feel is that we are both Korean and shared the same feeling of destructive rage?

If so

It is a connection that forces me to re-examine the alienation and self-hatred of my own racial identity.

A connection that while it is shared by many as "collective guilt"

That if you feel compelled to dig even deeper within me

You will find what was once a deep-seated hatred

Anger forged by the belittling prejudices and misconceptions of Asian men, of constantly being seen as a perpetual foreigner, the hurtful words of "chink" and "gook", and that my anger is not genuinely validated but instead mocked.

I am ANGRY because I constantly need to fight to make a simple statement that despite everything, I am a normal human being.

My anger seems to restricted to three forms by American society:

A Bruce Lee-high kicking-kung fu madman

A chain-smoking Yakuza gangster

Or the most recent development in Asian male anger...

An unassuming and repressed individual who takes out his rage through bloodshed and violence...a Seung Hui Cho.

I want people to recognize my anger simply as it is.

When I object to you calling me "Oriental", I 'm correcting you because it's as if you're calling an African American a "Negro".

When I get mad at your insensitive Asian jokes, I am not being overly sensitive but instead I am hurt because it re-opens my wounds of self-hatred.

When I balk at all the Hollywood movies that marginalize or fetishes Asians, I am not being overly critical because movies are my passion and it hurts to see such depictions over and over again.

And this is where I will stop for now.

Because I am constantly revising myself.

From a young and confused boy who couldn't control his rage and wanted to take it out on people who did not deserve it

To a bitter and rebellious teenager who rejected and loathed his Korean identity

To finally becoming a self-confident man who is finally taking pride in his Korean American self and who wishes to give his love fiercely to my all families, in blood and in spirit. A simple man who will fight, protect, defend, honor, argue, and love not only for himself but for everybody that also fights to be seen as a normal human being in this corrosive world of hatred and ignorance.

This poem does not have a true end because to truly end it would mean that my fight, my struggle is over. Or that I have accepted my fate.

So in that case...

To be continued.

Hate Crimes & Humor

2009-08-19T08:32:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and ignoring the growling roar that my stomach was making, I went to my favorite website of all time, Angry Asian Man, to see what was up in the Asian/Asian-American community. On one of the author's most recent postings, the Japanese American Citizens League demand an apology from the movie studio Paramount for the "Pearl Harbor" joke that was in The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard which stars Jeremy Piven.

- - The movie is about a notorious used car salesman who takes on a big Fourth of July sale. During the scene in question, Jeremy Piven fires up his fellow salesmen with a pep talk, invoking World War II: "Don't get me started on Pearl Harbor. We are Americans and they are the enemy! Never again!"

The scene culminates with an angry mob beating up the only Asian American person in the room, Teddy Dang (played by Ken Jeong). Piven's character also uses the racial slur "Jap" in the scene and, acknowledging it was a hate crime, conspires with employees to say that Dang was attacking them with a "samurai sword" and "Chinese throwing stars." - - (taken from Angry Asian Man)

When I first saw this scene in the restricted trailer before the movie came out, I wasn't quite sure whether I should laugh or not. While I found the joke to be somewhat humorous, there was a real ugly gut feeling that was forming in my stomach. It had a bitter taste that I couldn't shake off and I realized that after reading AngryAsianMan's post, I was feeling the hurt that I felt all those years ago for being 'different' along with the simple knowledge that hate crimes are incredibly difficult to joke about, let alone joke about at all. If the movie made a joke about lynching black people, would that be okay? Would that be acceptable? Certainly not and the black community would raise a huge voice to protest against it.

The joke that the Jeremy Piven character was referring to came from a real historical source, something I don't quite believe that it can be joked about. Back in WW2, Japanese Americans were heavily discriminated against and the fear and the paranoia eventually led to Franklin D. Roosevelt to pass Executive Order 9066, an act which forced all Japanese and Japanese-Americans on U.S. soil to be placed in internment camps across the nation. It was an act that singled an ethnic minority and treated them like second-class citizens because of their different racial background.

Can we laugh at one of the darkest moments in human history? And when we do, are we admitting that we as humans have evolved since then? Or are we laughing because we will always be ignorant and prejudiced against those who are different from us? Do we laugh because violence against those who are not us are justified? All these questions come into my head and all I can think of is Thien Mien Ly and Vincent Chin, two very real and ugly moments in American history where being ethnically Asian got you killed. All I can feel is concern everytime an ugly racial joke flies my way. All I can hope is that I won't explode into anger but rather I will treat the matter with firm grace and humor.

For the longest time, I felt the radical fire burning inside me, and the source of the fire comes from my grasp of my Asian American identity and my desire to help out the Asian American community through the performing arts, the flame spreads to all who are treated severely for being different. I remember when I read about the hate crimes that occurred to Muslims and anybody who "looked" like a Muslim after 9/11, my blood boils and tears start welling up in my eyes because to me, it is outrageous that a certain ethnic group should be targeted so senselessly for the act of few. It is not fair and it is not just fair and the passion grows within me each time, telling me that I must do something about this. I must yell, I must shout, I must rise up. In doing so, sometimes it'll make my friends and acquaintances look at me in confusion why I'm making so much ruckus and others will ask me to calm down and take a joke once in a while. I thought for some time that maybe I am a little too rowdy for my good but now I understand that I will not apologize for my behavior or my beliefs.

But I'm still blunt and rough-edged. I want to hone my passion into a cutting edge and that cutting edge will be wit and humor, the two things that I have most trouble with when I am in a high emotional state. I understand that if I want to do this, if I want to grow and evolve, I must encounter these stupid ignorant moments not with a frown, but with a smile on my face. A smile that is firm and unyielding, a smile that will make you feel stupid for even saying such a stupid thing in the first place.

I'm still so young and I still have so much to learn. I'm only beginning to understand myself in a social and historical context, and I must do so in order to not be so focused on myself and the harms that were done against me. I must be compassionate, understanding, and know that I am not faultless for being ignorant or prejudiced myself.

There is so much to do!

SEX-PORN-BONDAGE-KENISTYLES

2007-11-28T20:33:00.000-08:00

In a discussion I had with a friend about prominent Asian-American males in American society, she brought up a certain individual named Keni Styles, who is the first Asian-American straight male porn star and is making a big impact in Europe. Considering that European trends end up in America eventually, I see this as a positive sign that Asian-Americans can be shown in ANY light that is not restricted to that of being weak, effeminate, nerdy, shy, quiet... or violent and prone to killing outbursts. To be free to be seen in a manner of your choosing is a powerful thing, a goal that I am trying hard to accomplish and will dedicate my life for this ideal.

In one of more heated discussions today in recent memory, I need to say that I agree with Todd's opinion in that ethnic minorities need to stop pitting themselves against "The Man" and focus more on establishing their own identities. While it is important to recognize the argument that to create one's identity as someone of minority background will be difficult when society prevents you from doing so because of the majority population being white, it becomes counter-productive to dedicate all of one's energy into creating something that says, "I am everything non-white" when it really should be focused on creating "I am whoever I want to be". I recently believed that I have finally found out my own identity but I still feel discomfort whenever I see a large group of Koreans huddling together, speaking Korean, and immediately I feel like I can never be a part of that because of my poor grasp of the language as well as their common interests that I find no interest in whatsoever. Because of that, maybe I haven't found what my identity truly is because I must accept that I am of Korean blood and to feel alienation and sometimes embarrassment for people who are comfortable with their Korean culture means that I am not comfortable with myself entirely.

What I am comfortable with and what I will defend vehemently is everything that defines what I do in my everyday life, the people I hang out with, the things I like, and how I see the world as a whole. I used to accept the term that I was a Twinkie and there was a time when I used that as a medal of pride that I would wear proudly. But to love theater, to enjoy 70's rock music, to devour eight Hardee's burgers in one sitting, to be fiercely open about his own feelings and express it as so, I've come to believe that this is me. Maybe some of my interests were indeed influenced by my American upbringing but I know for sure that I have been exposed to so many different people, their way of life, their cultures, their quirks across different continents that what has truly shaped me is difficult to pinpoint and label.

Maybe the definition of white America is to lose all of one's identity and go along with the consensus of the majority. Maybe white America is still America as a whole and because of that, ethnic minorities are struggling to establish their own identities without being pressured to change because they are too "Asian", "Latino", "black". There is uncertainty in this day and age whether we are still the victims of oppression or whether we have the freedom now to move on from the pain that defined our past into a future where there are no limits. I've realized more and more that I start to call myself an American and not a Korean-American anymore and correct others if I'm Asian. Is this me losing my identity, as some people would say? Am I being pressured to cast aside the Asian in my label because I feel it does not suit me?

In the end, I believe that being an American means you can come from all over, be proud or shameful of your native culture that you may or may not know anything about and still enjoy eating galbi and bi-bim-bob while also having fries and some tandoori chicken on the side.

The First Asian Immigrants

2007-09-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to note that when the first Asian immigrants came to the U.S. around the 1850's, they were welcomed with open arms by the native citizens who were already living there. They even went so far as proclaiming that the Chinese and the whites can be united as one to making America a more prosperous nation to be. Which is also interesting because the white Americans could not say the same for the black slaves that were soon to be emancipated decades later. However, the opinion of the Chinese immigrants soon changed as more and more came to American shores and soon became a competitive threat to the white labor. Because of this threat, the white folks became scared and reacted by developing laws and treaties to expel the incoming Asian immigrants and to treat the immigrants already settled as an internal racial group only suited for cheap, efficient labor.

It strikes me that the racism and hatred that began brewing as the Asian immigrants came in by the thousands was an incredibly simple animal response twisted with human rationality. Animals are threatened by the unknown and competition and hence they do their best to drive them away. Humans feel exactly the way, but the only difference is that humans don't simply drive the strange people away with sheer physical force and intimidation (although they do this as well), but with their rational responses of degrading the different-skinned foreigners as inferiors in every facet.

But humans are capable of using their rational faculties for the betterment of mankind, instead of using it to shut off the unknown and the unfamiliar. While the animal in us makes us want to stay by our comfort zones, we are capable of going outside into uncharted territories and to shake hands with whatever is out there. However, it does not stop there since what happens when the unknown enters into our comfort zones and we feel threatened, as the white Americans felt threatened by the masses of Chinese immigrants? The answer then becomes complicated as only a naive fool can say that endless flows of immigrants can come into a space, and like any space, only so much can occupy it before it overflows. But we must not let that intertwine with the irrational fear that the unknown will take over our way of life. For if we do, we will not close off space because there really is not much to share but merely because we just don't like these strange foreign people. By doing that, we are only limiting our potentiality to truly understand life in its vast potential and only remain huddled in our comfortable shells.

Racist against the White Man?

2007-09-01T21:56:00.000-07:00

Shortly after posting my last blog, I immediately remembered a slight argument I had with a friend back in Korea during the summer. It was a blunt sarcastic comment that I made that offended my friend and it made me realize that I have some bias of my own that I need to look into. My friend is a half-Caucasian, half-Korean, but he can definitely pass off as the former, rather than the latter. For this, I simply called him off as a white man with benefits that no Asian man can ever have. This stung him because he truly saw himself as both, no racial heritage that he preferred or enjoyed over the other.

And then I realize, in a way, I am racist against Caucasians. I look at every white man and woman and my immediate first impression is to guard myself in that he or she would see me as an effeminate/incapable/impotent Asian man. I get severely annoyed when people think I'm good or bad at something because I'm Asian. I get seriously irked when I see a white man and an Asian woman together and overjoyed when it's vice versa with an Asian man and a white woman. While simply relying on "Yellow Fever" would be a weak reason for my disgruntlement, I cannot help but look in disgust when I see a jock/army type white man with an Asian woman clinging at his side. "DIRTY WHORE" immediately jumps into my head for the woman and as for the man, well, I can only dream of whopping his ass as I grumble to myself how that's just impossible.

So it's certainly not hatred that I feel for the white man but it's certainly not tolerance either. I can only say that I indeed harbor racist feelings for white people as I have always felt that they are the prime example of a race who has embarrassed, humiliated, and victimized people like me for not being as competent and capable as they are. It may be years of white women laughing me off as a "fortune cookie" and the men who think I'm gay or have a penis in the microscopic portion (or no penis at all, as some white men seem to think Asian men are eunuchs).

My sophomore year has been valuable in redefining how I think about myself and my comfort in dealing with people's ignorance and jokes about the Asian race. While my suspicions about the White Man will never cease, I can at least grow comfortable with the ones that I call my dear friends. I think this is reflected in my willing decision to stick with the Superman musical that is happening this fall semester, even though I am casted as a stereotypical Chinese villain (with the only minorities in the play casted as my villainous sons). I've always raised hell that I'm not fucking Chinese, and here I am, highly amused of being this character because he is such a zany character to play.

I believe I've gone off on a tangent here. This new topic will be dealt with separately when I have given more thought about it.

Asian American "History"

2007-08-31T11:45:00.001-07:00

Asian American History...if we took out "American" from that term, Asian History would have very little controversy since we are specifying a history that takes place in a different land. Obviously, taking out "Asian" would be deemed totally acceptable within our modern society as "American History" is a term that is most familiar. But "American History", from what we find in school textbooks and told by scholars, would simply be how the United States was formed from the perspective of the white man as he created the country into a shining beacon of freedom, democracy, and liberty for the rest of the world to look up to. Never mind the other non-white nationalities that immigrated into the country as the white man came first and whoever came first and is more prominent within a country has the greater power. It is uncomfortable for even the term "Asian American" to be used as we are familiar with "American" to be used mainly for white and black people. Considering the slavery that has taken place in America for several centuries, it is deemed politically offensive for blacks to simply be called "Africans" as their ancestors suffered to live in America and with the civil rights acts, it has been ingrained into the American mindset. But for every other race that has immigrated into this country, their hardships are deemed minor and thus are not consciously seen as Americans. It has become familiar to address Asians as only Asians even if they were born there and thus giving a significant word such as "history" to Asian Americans can be indeed seen as controversial.

Familiar does not mean we should take it with our heads down and our hands behind our backs. Familiar does not mean that we should simply accept because somebody told us that it was otherwise and that it should be taken for granted. With this said, we must be re-educated in the sense that that being an American truly means an individual who has come to this country to live a new life, regardless of where they came from. To become an American, it does not mean we need to assimilate our cultures, our identities, our names to a Euro-centric standard. That is not the true definition of being an American but only an outdated and narrow-minded conception of what an American is supposed to be. As Ronald Takaki would say, "We need to "re-vision" history to include Asians in the history of America, and to do so in a broad and comparative way". These words cannot be stressed enough how important it is to give Asian Americans the right to tell their complete history in all educational facilities in America. Though it may take a while for the history of Asian Americans to appear no larger than a margin in school textbooks, small steps such as this very course we are taking are significant to the process of creating a better and more open-minded future.