Shortly after posting my last blog, I immediately remembered a slight argument I had with a friend back in Korea during the summer. It was a blunt sarcastic comment that I made that offended my friend and it made me realize that I have some bias of my own that I need to look into. My friend is a half-Caucasian, half-Korean, but he can definitely pass off as the former, rather than the latter. For this, I simply called him off as a white man with benefits that no Asian man can ever have. This stung him because he truly saw himself as both, no racial heritage that he preferred or enjoyed over the other.
And then I realize, in a way, I am racist against Caucasians. I look at every white man and woman and my immediate first impression is to guard myself in that he or she would see me as an effeminate/incapable/impotent Asian man. I get severely annoyed when people think I'm good or bad at something because I'm Asian. I get seriously irked when I see a white man and an Asian woman together and overjoyed when it's vice versa with an Asian man and a white woman. While simply relying on "Yellow Fever" would be a weak reason for my disgruntlement, I cannot help but look in disgust when I see a jock/army type white man with an Asian woman clinging at his side. "DIRTY WHORE" immediately jumps into my head for the woman and as for the man, well, I can only dream of whopping his ass as I grumble to myself how that's just impossible.
So it's certainly not hatred that I feel for the white man but it's certainly not tolerance either. I can only say that I indeed harbor racist feelings for white people as I have always felt that they are the prime example of a race who has embarrassed, humiliated, and victimized people like me for not being as competent and capable as they are. It may be years of white women laughing me off as a "fortune cookie" and the men who think I'm gay or have a penis in the microscopic portion (or no penis at all, as some white men seem to think Asian men are eunuchs).
My sophomore year has been valuable in redefining how I think about myself and my comfort in dealing with people's ignorance and jokes about the Asian race. While my suspicions about the White Man will never cease, I can at least grow comfortable with the ones that I call my dear friends. I think this is reflected in my willing decision to stick with the Superman musical that is happening this fall semester, even though I am casted as a stereotypical Chinese villain (with the only minorities in the play casted as my villainous sons). I've always raised hell that I'm not fucking Chinese, and here I am, highly amused of being this character because he is such a zany character to play.
I believe I've gone off on a tangent here. This new topic will be dealt with separately when I have given more thought about it.